Stephen's Story

As many of you know, my husband recently admitted himself into a hospital for a mental health treatment. He was no longer able to manage his mental illnesses on an outpatient basis. You can read more about it here. In fact, his hospitalization was the basis for many of my October posts. If you are interested, you can read my other posts on mental health here. 

Well, what I haven't talked about much is what has happened since the hospitalization. Due to circumstances beyond our control, Stephen was un-enrolled from his program. Since then, he found another program to enroll in. He will be in a 30 month program and will end it with a bachelors degree in computer sciences and networking. Finding the program was a blessing in itself.

Anyway, long story short, he is back in school. For one of his first classes, he had to write a paper about something he overcame. Bravely, he chose to talk about his stay at the hospital. He also agreed to let me share that story here. If it can help even one person realize they aren't alone, it is worth sharing.

Let’s get real for a moment. Have you ever had an anxiety attack? It goes something like this: You struggle to breathe, your blood starts to burn and it feels like someone is sitting on your chest. You can’t think straight and you think you are going to die. This is just one of my diagnoses that I live with daily. I struggle with anxiety and depression along with being bi-polar. Life has always been rough for me and in October 2016, things took a turn for the worse. 

On the morning of October 4th, I woke up to very dark thoughts and emotions. I had this want and desire to get into my car, drive down the freeway at a high speed and crash my car into a barrier or wall. I wanted to die, I did not care how I did it but I did not want to live anymore. I scared myself with these thoughts, I have never had planned anything out before. I knew I needed help but I didn’t know how or what to do.

I found myself in a horrible situation, it was like one of my nightmares coming to life. The first thing I thought to do was to call my doctor. Since they didn't answer I called my wife. She told to go to urgent care. There, the doctors told me that it was in my best interest to seek further professional help by admitting myself into an inpatient mental health hospital. At rock bottom, I had no choice, my wife took me to the hospital.

In-patient care was difficult for me to adjust to. There were people from all walks of life. To be frank, I was worried for my safety at times. On my first day, I saw four doctors and was forced to participate in group activities. This was the place I wanted to be to get better but at the time it felt like Hell on earth. I just wanted to be at home with my wife and dog. I knew that I had to give myself to my treatment to better myself so I can leave.

To overcome my anxiety and depression my doctors started to adjust my medications. They increased some, lowered some and removed others. Within two days I was on the mend. Group sessions were helping and the doctors finally gave me the approval needed to go home. It was because of my work with my doctors that I was able to make this improvement. I would not be here today if it was not for my desire for a change. I am especially thankful for the support of my wife, my church family and faith that helped me get through this time. I have been given a second chance and I plan on making the best of it.

This has been the biggest and hardest change in my life by far. I knew my depression was bad but I had no idea that it would lead to this situation, this traumatizing event that I had to overcome. In my stay at the hospital, I learned that I had to give more of myself if I was going to manage my conditions. 

Before my hospitalization, I was just using medications to help manage my mood. After my stay, I knew it was time to go all in. I sought counseling, found a new psychologist and asked my wife to help me manage my medications at home. Only because of  my conscious decision and the changes I put in place, can I sit before you today and share my story.  

I feel that in the last month I have become a new person. Don’t get me wrong I still carry the weight of my scars but overall I have a better understanding of what it means to be bi-polar, have depression, suffer from anxiety and have been suicidal.  

If I share my story, maybe I can help someone who is struggling. If you are that person, know that you are not alone. No one is alone even though it might feel that way sometimes. Remember, we are stronger than we think and there is nothing that we can’t overcome.

I don't think I can end with any better words then that other then giving you just a bit of information. If you or someone you know is dealing with thoughts of suicide, please seek help. I found this information with a quick google search:

National Suicide Hotline

Text our trained crisis counselors about anything that is on your mind. 

Text "Go" to 741741. 

It is free, available 24/7 and confidential.