Over the Rainbow Bridge

 I hate having to write this, especially since my last post was about bringing her home... But after two other attempts, I will get this written down. 

On Saturday, May 20 we woke up and Roxie wasn't acting herself. She was sleeping on the bottom of her cage, not moving too much. Finally, I figured we better get her checked out. After 45 minutes of calling different vets in the area, not one of them had a vet experienced with birds to see her. 

So, I called the bird store owner, Michelle. She said to bring her down, that they can try "comfort care" there until we could get her in. Unfortunately, it was too late. Roxie passed away while laying on my chest, as we were heading to the car for the bird store. I called Michelle back and told her that Roxie had passed, she said Michelle to still bring her in. Michelle was kind enough to properly bury our little girl (we are renting, so it isn't possible for us.) 

Michelle told us there wasn't really anything we could have done. Once birds like her start showing signs of illness, it is usually too late. Just so we are prepared for illness in the future, she shared with us what they do for their birds and also for birds in the store... We will be ready if illness strikes another of our feathered children. 

Also, since it was so soon after bringing her home, she is going to let us pick another cockatiel, whenever we're ready. 

Although goodbyes are so hard, I am grateful that she was with us and not in the bird store. She had three beautiful, spoiled rotten days in our home, and weeks before that with us visiting. We were blessed with that time with her, and I know she is on the other side of the rainbow bridge with our Odin, waiting for us. 

Stir

Linking up this week for five minute Friday. Another opportunity to flex those writing muscles and make them work! 

If you want to learn more, simply click the box to the left here. It will take you to Kate Motaung's website with all the details. 

The prompt this week is "stir" so I get to write for five minutes about this word. No editing, no thinking, just freewriting. 

Last weekend, we had a visit from my husband's aunt. This is grandma and grandpa Hart's daughter, the ones who just passed away this spring, only four days apart. 

She brought over some things that Stephen had asked for from the house. The biggest being his grandpa's chair. One of the things I found most touching was that he asked for one of grandma's metal bowls and wooden spoons. 

Looking at them, they don't seem to be anything special, but to Stephen these bring out great memories of he and his grandmother cooking with those bowls. Stirring ingredients together to create cookies and other delicious concoctions. 

It is truly a blessing to have such strong memories in such seemingly worthless items. Him being able to use them in our day to day life will keep her (and grandpa's) memory alive even longer. I love the little things that stir up the memories we have of those we have lost. The greatest part is, I know that we will meet again and hopefully up there we will be able to whip up some more cookies with grandma. Stephen will have to bring the bowl and spoon though. 

Bittersweet Gratitude

This week has been incredibly hard for our family. We found out last Tuesday that Stephen's grandpa passed away. Then on Saturday, we got the call that Grandma had passed away in her sleep. Both his grandparents in just five days. While we are grieving, it is easy to wallow in it, to live there in our grief. I'm trying to make sure that if he wallows, I can help him out. Grief is something we need to learn to live with. Here are five things I am thankful for this week: 

1. I am thankful that Grandma and Grandpa Hart are together. We miss them terribly, but I can't imagine grandma without grandpa by her side.

2. I am grateful the whole family has some wonderful memories with the Harts. The girls, Stephen and I spent several visits picking goodies in their garden (fresh strawberries and green beans!). We took a trip to the Enchanted Forest and even went to a fish hatchery. These are all things my girls will not only remember, but cherish. 

May 14, 2016 
McKayla (10), Grandma Charlene Hart, holding Alivia (7), Grandpa Rodney Hart, holding Natalie (8)

3. I am grateful that Stephen had the chance to go back and say his goodbyes. It isn't something we ever want to do, but I know personally how much it means to be able to say goodbye and hear it back.

4. I am grateful that Grandma and Grandpa got to live out the rest of their lives on the farm they loved. When they sold it a few years ago, I was afraid they would end up in a care facility or something.... But they negotiated with the buyer to stay in their home (buyer really only wanted/needed the land). 

5. I'm grateful for my faith because not only do I know this isn't the end for Grandma and Grandpa. I know one day we will join them in Heaven.

What are you thankful for this week? 

FMF: Rescue

Linking up this week for five minute Friday. If you want to learn all the details, click here. Basic idea is that you free-write for five minutes about the given prompt. The creator of 5MF says it perfectly: "no editing, no over-thinking, no worrying about perfect grammar or punctuation. Just write."

The prompt word this week: Rescue. 

The bible has countless verses about God rescuing us. Here are just two that jumped out at me (I did a quick google search) 

Daniel 6:27 esv: He delivers and rescues; he works signs and wonders in heaven and on earth, he who has saved Daniel from the power of the lions." 

Isaiah 41:10 esv: Fear not for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. 

God has promised us rescue. We might feel like we are sinking in so deep that he won't ever reach us in time, but the truth is: he's already here, walking through the water with us right now. All we need to do is reach out and LET him help us. This doesn't mean that once God is in our lives that it will be a cakewalk, that there won't be struggles, because he tells us that in this life there will be trials. 

I can remember many times in my life where it felt like I was going to drown, my difficulties seemed relentless. Looking back, I can see how God was there and taking care of me. How he was keeping my head above the water, how he was showing me his grace, his love, his amazingness even in the midst of these. 

One time I can remember is the entire year of 2014 - my marriage ended, my mom died, her mom died. It was just a terrible time. But I know, without God, with out the hope of reuniting with my mom in Heaven, this could have been much worse. 

One song that has been following me around lately is Ryan Stevenson's When we Fall Apart - just a reminder that when we feel like our lives are falling apart, we have a God who holds it together. I've included the lyrics underneath (from a google search, I don't know every word!) But I hope this touches your heart the way it did mine. 

You were forty-three when you got the news
Life will be changing, nothing we can do
The clock is ticking now
All I can think about
Is knowing I have to move on without you somehow
And I just can't believe
That you're the one whose keeping it together
As you hold my hand and say

It's ok to cry
It's ok to fall apart
You don't have to try
To be strong when you are not
And it may take sometime to make sense of all your thoughts
But don't ever fight your tears
'Cause there is freedom in every drop
Sometimes the only way to heal a broken heart is when we fall apart

You ask me to sing
Some songs that I wrote
But I can barely speak
Can barely play a note
All my tears rush in
Falling on my strings
That make the sound of these progressions have a different ring
And I hate to say goodbye
Knowing this will be the last time we're together
As you close your eyes and say

It's ok to cry
It's ok to fall apart
You don't have to try
To be strong when you are not
And it may take sometime to make sense of all your thoughts
But don't ever fight your tears
'Cause there is freedom in every drop
Sometimes the only way to heal a broken heart is when we fall apart

Whoa

And you've got the gift of mercy
Don't ever think it's strange
Not a curse, but it is a blessing to feel other people's pain
And always love without condition
And trust with all your heart
There's healing in the story of your scars

Well, it's been awhile
Since you've been gone
And sometimes I still catch myself trying to call your phone
All the hopes and dreams we used to talk about
They're still alive in me and I just hope I make you proud
Now I'm your legacy
And it's your love still holding me together
And I still hear you say

It's ok to cry
It's ok to fall apart
You don't have to try
To be strong when you are not
And it may take sometime to make sense of all your thoughts
But don't ever fight your tears
'Cause there is freedom in every drop
Sometimes the only way to heal a broken heart is when we fall apart
Yeah, yeah, it's okay to fall apart
Sometimes the only way to heal a broken heart is when we fall apart

Music Heals

Sometimes a song just touches your heart.

JJ Heller has a way with words and many of her songs have hit my heart strings and touched me in a way no other songs have... this is one of them.

For those who have dealt with loss, may this be a salve to your hurting soul.

We only part to meet again.
By JJ Heller, Dave Heller, and Leslie Jordan

My daughter has a best friend

Who’s about to move away

And it kills me as a mother

To see her feel this kind of pain

This is her first great loss

It won’t be her last

I cannot make it stop

And so I say

I know you wish there was a way to slow the hands of time

But when you truly love someone

You never say goodbye

‘Cause they’re woven in the fabric of the person you’ve become

It is impossible

Impossible to lose

The ones you love

My grandpa’s name is Henry

And Audrey was his wife

After 50 years together

She was still the love of his whole life

Before her final breath

She reached and took his hand

He bowed to kiss her head

And heard her say

I know you wish there was a way to slow the hands of time

But when you truly love someone

You never say goodbye

‘Cause they’re woven in the fabric of the person you’ve become

It is impossible

Impossible to lose

The ones you love

I know the winds of change will blow again

I feel it in my heart

I know it in my head

And though I can’t avoid the road that lies ahead

I choose these words instead

Even though there’s not a way to slow the hands of time

When you truly love someone

You never say goodbye

‘Cause they’re woven in the fabric of the person you’ve become

It is impossible

Impossible to lose

It is impossible

Impossible to lose

The ones you love

Over The Rainbow Bridge

On Tuesday, June 16 we had to help our fur-baby Odin over the rainbow bridge. It was perhaps the most difficult decision I have ever had to make in my adult life. We had almost five beautiful years with him. You can read my multiple blog posts about him here.

His situation before he came to us is unclear, but we suspect he was part of a puppy-mill situation, which certainly didn't add to his life. The years he spent with us he was spoiled rotten! He got to travel with us, got a monthly "bark box" full of toys and treats. His girls all loved on him and cuddled with him. Every night was spent sleeping in our bed and every morning he woke up with us (and sometimes woke us up!) 

In November, we found out he was blind and knew that our days with him were winding down. Stephen and I were committed to making sure that whatever days he had left would be happy ones. We made sure the house was blind dog safe and I did the research on how to help him out. For the most part, you couldn't even tell he was blind. Well, the last few weeks he had started bumping into more things, he was unable to even jump up onto the couch, was eating less and could barely get himself up the two steps to get back inside after going potty. It was time to get him in to see the vet. 

The vet examined him and said we had a couple options: we could do imaging and blood work and try and figure out what was causing his abdominal issues (distension, possible cardiac enlargement). That even if they did all that, it was possible that they wouldn't find an answer. Or because of his age, his declining health and his blindness, we could consider compassionate euthanasia. 

When we asked the vet to help us decide how to make the decision, she told us she made them by asking herself about her animals three favorite things. If her pet could no longer enjoy them, then the decision was clear. Stephen and I talked and decided that clearly, Odin's quality of life was poor. He could no longer enjoy any of the things he loved (other then sleeping). We were living in constant fear that we would awake to find him already gone. 

The Idaho Humane Society Vet clinic was wonderful and kind. They took care of everything for us. Even sent a sympathy card along with his little paw prints. I am already planning a tattoo on my leg to remember him by. 

The Red Dress

Write about an outfit that you associate with an important memory.

This red dress will forever remind me of my mom's service, of this picture. My mom's favorite color is red. We asked that everyone who came to her service wear red. Natalie wore this dress and her looking at my mom's picture on this table, just struck me as something so beautiful. I am forever grateful that my aunt took this photograph. It is one of my all time favorites. It may have been a sad day, of saying goodbye. But we were celebrating her life for sure. My mom was loved on this earth and we were promoting her to glory with a celebration of her life.

Returning Home

Write about returning home.

The only story about returning home I can really think of is the one time I wasn't really excited to go home, it was September 2, 2014.

It all started with a phone call. My best friend called me at work. I had left my phone in the car, figured it was okay in there until lunch since no one called me at work anywhere. My desk phone rang and it was my bestie calling me at work. That never happened so I knew something was up. She was calling to tell me mom had collapsed at church. There weren't a lot of details, and this had happened before so we weren't too worried. I just told her to keep me posted and let me know when there were more details. That was in the morning-ish.

At lunchtime I got the second call, the one with more details. I remember I held it together okay until I got off the phone. There were words like "cardiac event" and "regulating her blood pressure and her body temperature" Scary things like the fact that they had to shock her heart back into rhythm multiple times.

While I totally lost it in the hallway, Dr. Hedemark was in the break room, trying to figure out how to get me home. He booked a flight and all my coworkers pitched in and purchased me a ticket home. Dr Hedemark knew how important it was for me to be there. He and the other staff somehow got me on a plane and heading home to be with my mom and family not three hours after talking to my best friend at lunch. Not only did they get me a flight but they had someone take me home to get my stuff, take my car home, and get me to the airport. They all made sure I had pocket money for a meal and everything I needed.

I got to the hospital that evening. Mom's condition hadn't changed much. They ended up classifying what she had as a "sudden cardiac event" and after several days and much testing it was determined that her brain had suffered irreversible damage and even if she were to come back, it wouldn't be her. Our family made the decision that she would have wanted, and that was to remove her from life support. Myself and my best friend stayed with her until she took her last breath. That was a hard, hard time for me.

In the midst of that, I knew that had it not been for my work family, I wouldn't have made it home in time for many of the decisions that had to be made.

This was a bright spot in the darkness of the moment I was dealing with. To this day, this moment touches me so much that I tear up. My work family means so much to me because I know they are more then just coworkers. They have come around me in my time of need and helped me get home to be with my mommy when I needed to be with her most. They helped me get home to hold her hand as she took her last breath. For that I am eternally grateful.

Birthday Tattoo(s)!

I've been saving my pennies all year to get myself another tattoo for my birthday. Lucky me, my amazing tattoo artist tacked in another one with the price and I got one I've been planning for awhile with the price. 

If you are looking for a great artist in Boise, look up Donna at Resurrected Tattoo (first link is to her Instagram, second is to the business website, seriously, check her out!). This is the second (and third) tattoo she's done for me. The first were mine and my sister's tattoos. Loved them so much I had to go back and see her for my next. Now I think she is my permanent artist. 

This first one is the one I have been planning since I got my first mom tattoo. I wanted to add some of her handwriting. It was just in the last week I finally decided what I wanted it to say. This is in her handwriting. I love that I am able to look down and see it anytime. That reminder is just what I need. And it is seriously her handwriting. It didn't even take that long for her to do, like 15 minutes. 

This one is for my girls. Each of the flowers is for the month they were born. I wanted something that would represent my children. Something classic and beautiful. Donna understood my vision and came up with this. I freaking love it and knew with her use of colors it would come to life. 

Once the lines were done, it was on to the color. Once that was started, I knew I was going to love every stinking inch of this beautiful piece! 

Just look at those leaves! See the flower on the bottom, that is the sweetpea, the April birth month flower, for Alivia.

The purple flower is an aster, September's flower, for Natalie.

This is calendula, the October birth month flower, for McKayla.

The rose is a special one to me, it is the June birth month flower. I know I don't have a child born in June, but for those who don't know, I had a miscarriage before having McKayla. That baby was due in June. I couldn't get a tattoo for my children without including that baby. 

And there is the finished ink. Probably will be going back for some touch up work. Donna said there will need to be some done with the white. I love it already. 

Including my small semicolon, this makes six tattoos. I have one more planned. Not sure if there will be more after that. How many is too many tattoos?

Wordless Wednesday

Thankful Tuesday

This week I have been feeling quite a bit nostalgic for my mom. I pulled out my memory keeper book and went through some of my mommy things. I found a couple cards and things I didn't remember having. Let me list the things I found to be thankful for in my book:

1. I am thankful for the prayer shawl ministry at St Mary's in Albany Oregon. We were blessed to have one of their beautiful prayer shawls put on mom's bed in the ICU. This weekend, I felt compelled to send a thank you card. Let them know how much that was appreciated at the time of difficulty. 
2. I am thankful that I am a keeper of things. I have a card from mom for my birthday. The last one she spent with me. Planning to add some of her handwriting to my tattoo. 
3. I am thankful for the Angel Keeper book I have. It allows me to write things about my mom in it. Memories and the feelings I am having at different stages of my grief. It's a precious thing. 
4. I am thankful for the journal that was started at mom's memorial service. People were able to write memories of her, stories about her and just share what a wonderful woman she was. 
5. I am thankful for all the people who have helped me with my grieving. It's amazing how much people can help without even knowing it. 

FMF: Happy

Joining Kate Motaung again this week for five minute Friday and this week is super special. This amazing writing flash mob has been going on TWO YEARS! Swing on by her blog and say congrats. Read a few other takes on "happy" while you are there.

Happy. Brings to mind the children's song "if you're happy and you know it clap your hands." You can't help but be happy when you are singing that song, especially when you are surrounded by a gaggle of excited children. This is just one of the things I am so blessed with in my life. I have three beautiful, excitable girls who give me great joy. The inner happiness that is there, even when circumstances aren't so wonderful.

Makes me wonder how happy Jesus is when we return to him, after tying to be "on our own." The thing is, we are never punished for being away, for straying from the flock. Being separated from Him is punishment enough. He is overjoyed to see us return. Happy doesn't even begin to describe it.

Remember the story of the prodigal son? Even after he took his inheritance and squandered it, he returned home to a father, happy beyond measure to see his son again.

I imagine that is how it will be when I am reunited with my mom someday. She accepted God as her savior and lived every day of her life trying to follow Him. Someday, I will meet her up there. Makes me wonder if she can see me now. Is she proud of me? Does she still have the same smile and laughter when the kids act up? It makes this momma happy, imagining that my own mom is watching over us.

This post inspired by: 

WW: Red

Linking up with Mama Kat again this week for writers workshop. If you want to learn more about it, click the link at the bottom of this post. The prompt I chose this week is: Write a blog post inspired by the word: red.

When I see the color red, I think of many things.

I think of Anger:


via GIPHY


I think of bright red lips

I think of the Red Angry Bird


via GIPHY

I think of other red birds

I think of red pandas

not really red, but I guess compared to their black and white counterpart, they could be red.

I think of beautiful red-head actresses.

via GIPHY

Mostly when I see the color red, I think of my mom. Her favorite color is red. For her celebration of life, we all wore red.

September 2014 - Mom's Celebration of Life 

If I am ever in a "missing mommy" mood, I put on a red shirt and feel better.

Mother's day 2014

We found a Christmas ornament the year she died, beautiful red bird. Goes on the tree every year now.

similar to this one, but cuter. Wish I could find the picture! 

We also had a painting done for the wedding, it was our guestbook. I told Jenifer, the wonderful woman who painted it for us, that I wanted to have something to incorporate my girls and my mom.

I would say she did a pretty amazing job. Thanks again Jen!

What does the color red make you think of?

This post inspired by:

The Secret Revealed

by Major Ronda Lloyd 

Scripture focus: Philippians 4:10-23

We need to be a thermostat and not a thermometer.

We need an attitude of gratitude.

Growth takes time and experience.

Paul continues his letter to the Philippians, He is thanking them for their gifts that sustained him through his imprisonment. He was also telling them that he had learned to be content in all circumstances.

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all things through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:12-13

We need to look for the silver linings in every situation.

In no way could I give thanks for my situation when my mom died. I was so angry and so upset. A year later, a dear friend saw that I was still struggling. She told me to look for the things that were good about her going home. Do you know how angry that made me? How could there possibly be anything good about this. But as she suggested, I started to list things that were good in spite of what was a horrible loss for me. My mom was no longer in pain. My mom never has to deal with the pettiness of others. She never has to get walked on because of her kindness. The list goes on but I am sure you get the picture.

In Genesis chapters 31 through 50, the story of Joseph is told. He was in no way given a life I would be able to be content with. God gave him a most amazing gift and his jealous brothers ended up selling him as a slave (Genesis 45:5). Still he says (Genesis 50:20): You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.

Did you just read that!? Not only did he comfort them (in verse 19 he tells them not to be afraid) but he forgives them, telling them that he understood they meant to harm him but God used that for good. What happened to Joseph wasn't good. He was literally sold into slavery. God still took that horrible experience and used it for good. So many lives were saved!

We need to ask God to help us see beyond today. So often we are so blinded by the storm we are in that we can't see ahead. I can't help but think of losing my mom. To this day, it is one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through. When I was going through this, there were many times that I was wondering how on earth this was good for me. Now, having a bit of time and some distance, I see that loosing my mom has given me new perspective. I would never be able to minister to others in the same situation.

Romans 8:28 - I can do all this through Him who gives me strength.
What is your "this"?

God provides for us through the fellowship of those in our lives. However we can't look solely to others for our needs. W need to seek out God for help. Sometimes it may feel like we are in the wilderness, like the Israelite's were, and we have to look to God for help. Like them, we grumble and complain and try to hoard so we can help ourselves. But just like the Israelite's, He makes us aware that He is the only one who can sustain us.

Wordless Wednesday

And just a small reminder, I am hosting a fundraiser for the American Heart Association. ALL my commissions from the Heart For Mom party will go to them. If you click the link to take you to my website to shop.

Almost Wordless Wednesday

A patient at my work gave me a penny the other day. I had been seriously thinking about mom that day and this poem jumped to mind. I just had to share it. Pennies are precious!

Pennies from Heaven

I found a penny today

Just laying on the ground.

But it's not just a penny

This little coin I've found.

Found pennies come from heaven

that's what my Grandpa told me.

He said Angels tossed them down

Oh, how I loved that story!

He said when an Angel misses you

They toss a penny down,

sometimes just to cheer you up

To make a smile out of your frown.

So don't pass by that penny

When you're feeling blue.

It may be a penny from heaven

That an Angel's tossed to you.

Author: C Mashburn
Copyright © 1998 

1000 Gifts: 3 gifts quiet

• it is a gift to have a few minutes after the kids have gone to sleep of quiet in the house. Sometimes I sneak in and just watch them sleep awhile. 
• it is a gift to have some quiet time in the mornings to prepare myself for another day. 
• it is a gift to have an end the quiet when my girls wake up. I love them to pieces and would not exchange the noise for anything! 

WW: This Time Last Year

Linking up with Mama Kat again this week for writers workshop. If you want to learn more about it, click the link at the bottom of this post. The prompt I chose this week is: What were you blogging about last year at this time? How have things changed?

Last year at this time, I had barely lost my mom. I can't believe it's been a year. Sometimes it feels like it's been a long time, others it feels like she just died yesterday. Grief is funny that way.

The other day I thought about her while watching TV and started bawling. To everyone else it looked like the show was making me cry, but I knew it was that I missed my mommy. There are still times I reach for my phone thinking I need to tell her something, then I remember.

Four nights in a row last week I dreamed about her. Not sure if that makes things easier or harder. None of the dreams were bad ones. She was able to buy a new car in one, visit her mom's house in another and in the most memorable she was telling me how she had to fake her death to be a part of the witness protection program. How much I wish that were the case! I miss her so much that it physically hurts sometimes. Makes me sad that she isn't going to be around for all these things, both for me and the girls. Frustrates me to no end when I hear people complaining about their parents.

Being that I'm short one parent now, I have become more focused on creating and maintaining a strong relationship with my dad. He is hoping to make a change to his work schedule next year so we can have more time with him when we visit and he can even make a trip over here. Pray for that to happen because it would be awesome!

This post inspired by:

1000 Gifts: three gifts ugly beautiful

• the grey skies aren't all ugly or all beautiful but they are a nice change. 
• it is a gift to have the drizzly rain, makes the beautiful rainbows. 
• it is a gift to have the ugly attitudes of some people because they make those with a beautiful one even more appreciated. 

Sad Day

My heart is really hurting today. I have a girl, we used to go to church together. She is younger then me by a few years. A few days ago, her mom suffered cardiac arrest. They resuscitated her and she has been on life support since.

Yesterday, my friend got the news that her mom's prognosis of recovering and having a good quality of life is very slim, like 2%.

Sound familiar? That's almost the exact situation I was in 307 days ago (yes, I counted). I sent my friend a message, telling her how sorry I was. And that I would be here anytime. Doesn't seem like enough. I feel horrible. I told her that I was in the same situation and that if she needed ANYTHING I would be here, but that isn't enough either.

I hate feeling so helpless. I hate knowing that someone is in the situation I was and there is nothing I can do to make them feel better. My heart is breaking for her. I've already shed a few tears for her.

Pray for my friend Heather. Losing my mom, holding her hand as she took her last breath, was the hardest thing I have ever done. I am praying for strength for her, for today and the days ahead.

Also pray for me, it isn't easy seeing someone I care about in pain and not being able to do anything about it. I feel like sharing a bit from my journal, from that time in my life.

Friday, September 5, 1 o'clock pm - She hasn't woken up yet at all. They have had her on the respirator. Until today she was on Ativan to control her seizures. It is pretty obvious to me that she is already gone. Part of me is clinging to hope that she will open her eyes and talk to us - but it isn't looking good. I don't want to "give up" but I have already got myself ready.... How do I do that? My mom has always been my rock - my biggest supporter. She was supposed to outlive us all. Instead, we are discussing what she we want. I don't want to know how I am going to handle it when they "pull the plug."How long will she hold on? Is she is pain right now? Is she still "with us" or is she already in Heaven? I am so glad we (myself and my girls) all got to talk to her Sunday. All the girls got to hear her voice. 

My heart is still broken. Holes all over. I am still finding places where she was. Ways that she made my life a better place. And my heart goes out to my friend. Hold on to her as long as you can. Even if they tell you she can't hear you, talk. Do what you need to do. Know that you are surrounded by people who love and care about you. Plus you have a God who loves you so much. He will carry you through this.

1000 Gifts: 3 gifts in weakness

Today's gifts are all three found in the Bible. Those are the best gifts we have. Scripture references are included.

• With Christ, when I am weak, He makes me strong.
  Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:10 
• He gives strength to the weak 
  He gives strength to the weary (weak), And to him who lacks might He increases power. Though youths grow weary and tired, And vigorous young men stumble badly, Yet those who wait for the LORD Will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary. Isaiah 40:29-31
• The spirit helps in our weakness, interceding on our behalf. 
  In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words; Romans 8:26

WW: A Year Ago, May

Linking up with Mama Kat again this week for writers workshop. If you want to learn more about it, click the link at the bottom of this post.

The prompt I chose this week is: Throwback Thursday: Choose a photo from a previous May and write a blog post.

Here is my picture:

I really hesitated doing this, just because it's still so fresh.... but I feel like writing is my therapy.

This was taken my birthday weekend last year. I had zero idea that by my next birthday both my mom and my grandmother would be gone. It's hard to imagine my life without them, but I am slowly adjusting. I still pick up the phone to call mom sometimes. Or I will find a great deal on something at a sale and want to tell her about it. Right now, I am trying really hard to focus on the joy in this picture. Mom was so happy to have the girls and I there. I think grandma was too, though it is hard to know with her being like she was! It was a blessing beyond words to have this picture, four beautiful generations, something my girls and I can hold on to. So many people don't get to share their children with grandparents or even parents. I'm so grateful that I was able to do that.

This post inspired by:

1000 Gifts: A gift worn, white, whispered

• It is a gift to have some of my mom's shirts. Right now my sister has them, holding them safely until we can create a quilt with them. 
• It is a gift to have the white sand in our family unity jar. A color that stands for God. It's at both the base and the top of the family's colors and has started moving to the center. A reminder always that God is the foundation of our family and we are only complete with him. 
• It is a gift to have little girls whispering their secrets in my ears. I know they won't always share them, but I'm so glad they do! 

Wordless Wednesday

1000 Gifts: Found in your mother
What a bittersweet prompt. Hopefully I can get through this without crying. She is still my mom, still a blessing, just not nearly as close as I wish she was.

• her giving spirit. She almost always said yes, to a fault almost. I loved that no matter what I did, I knew I could call mom and she would help. Her home was open to anyone who needed it. 
• her hugs. She was the best hugger ever. A mommy hug could help almost any problem. 
• her involvement and interest in my girls' lives. Not only was she their primary child care provider the entire time we lived in Oregon but she was really active in their lives when we moved. She visited us and we skyped and called each other a lot. I miss her so much.